Learn to Accept the Apology You Deserve, but Will Never Recieve

This is my apology.

About four months ago I had some learning experiences with someone who was my best friend at the time, but we are now only strangers with some memories: good and bad.

We did a lot of fighting near the end of our relationship and I accept responsibility for 60% of it,

but I'm realizing now, that my taking "responsibility" for that has proven to be unhealthy. 

I've beat myself up, made myself sick and tried everything possible for six months to get this person to forgive me and for him to apologize to me as well, and even though I've realized that I can't force someone to apologize to me, I can apologize and accept the apology that I will never receive. 

I am not the kind of person that is okay with dwelling in anger and tension, and I try my very best to be friendly with anyone from "my past."

Nothing good comes from hate, so I always try to avoid that, but in some situations, you cannot be friends with someone who doesn't want to be friends with you.

So, this is my apology.

 When I say this is my apology, know that I've already apologized to this person...many times.

This apology is not to him, I've already forgiven him, no, this apology is to myself.

I can't get back that part of my life, and I don't live with regrets.

There's nothing left that can be said. 

There isn't a way for us to be friends again.

There is only one road to peace of mind and a light heart, and that road is the one of self forgiveness.

I've learned that if you can't forgive yourself, you'll never truly be able to move on.

It's hard to do that, but it's so worth it.

I've learned that, even though I'm happy, I can't fully give my heart to someone else, until I forgive myself

for what happened four months ago.

I apologize to myself for every destructive thought about myself as a person.

I apologize to myself for every hurt feeling, every rude comment taken to heart.

I apologize to myself for allowing my heart feel so heavy over something that I moved on from months ago.

I don't regret much in my life, and I wouldn't change what happened because I grew from it, learned from it

and I finally realized how to be happy. I learned what I want in my life

and what I don't want in my life.

So, I apologize to myself for ever letting my mind, heart and body be overwhelmed with hard feelings

and grief about what happened being "my fault." 

I've learned to accept what is and step forward in a new direction. 

I am so incredibly happy with my life and my new outlook on life and past relationships. 

Nothing should ever stop you from loving others.