Let's Be Honest: My View of Love Has Been Ruined

The other day, I was describing my view of love to a friend of mine from home (Kentucky home) and she told me that it has been ruined. She said "love should be exactly the fantasy you can dream up and even more and if it's not that, you need to keep looking. Don't settle for someone less than your prince." My prince? Yeah, I'm not a modern day princess and my life is not a picturesque fairy tale. I'm not looking for a prince, I'm looking for a man that can love me for me.

 I grew up in  VERY loving home with parents who loved me and my sisters. I was very blessed to have been raised in a family where divorce was never an option. Of course my parents had arguments, as any normal married couple would, but there was never any infidelity or separation or whatever else the world has to throw out as option for a couple who believe they "just aren't working out".  Even though my parents loved each other and I grew up with the example of a healthy relationship, my friend was right, my view on relationships and dating HAS been ruined.

Okay look, don't feel sorry for me. I don't write this to get sympathy votes, it's just the way it is for me. My view on relationships and love has been ruined by many a failed relationship. Ever since I started dating at age 16, it's been failed relationship after failed relationship. It didn't really matter much to me in high school, but 3 years into college, I have to use both hands to count the amount of times I've been dumped, lied to, or used as a stand in for someone better to come along.

Recently I decided to take a "break" from dating so I can focus on school, church, work and myself. No dating drama. Seems pretty easy, right?  Well, this actually isn't an easy feat for me (easier said than done) because I like going on dates and meeting new people. I enjoy getting to know people and I don't like saying 'no' because I know how hard it must be for some guys to ask girls on dates. So when a guy I met last semester, let's call him Sam, asked me to watch a movie with him, I was in a really tough spot but I couldn't say no. The first time I met Sam it was through a mutual friend. When I saw him, I instantly thought he was really cute, but never did anything about it because I thought he was taken. About a week ago I found that he wasn't dating anyone. We started talking on our own instead of always waiting for me to be invited to a group activity that he would be at. It's only been five days since this spark caught flame, but here I am waiting for the fall out.

Honesty is very important to me. I don't want to hear all the reasons why you think I'm a "great girl" or why you're  "sorry that there was confusion," just be honest and the whole world will keep on spinning, and my heart WILL keep on beating. If you don't like someone that likes you, tell them that. Do it nicely, but do it. Dishonesty is one of the HUGE reasons why I'm more inclined to deny a relationship. I don't want to be lied to. Who does? Dishonesty scares my very soul. If you can't love me for me, I don't want you to love me at all.

 Really, though, if I'm being honest (ha, get it?), I can be very insecure and what dating has taught me so far is that I'm not enough this, or I'm too that. I used to believe in the whole 'fairy tale love story' that movies put out there for little girls to grow up hoping to have some day, but I don't anymore. I've learned that it doesn't work that way. Seriously, though, dating has taught me to wait for the spark to die out, to jut sit around waiting for the day that he gets bored of me, to wait for the day that someone better (no matter how good of a girlfriend I am, no matter how honest and real I am) comes along and I'm left sitting between Point A and Point B having to trudge my way all the way back to that starting point. Again and again this has happened...and I, well, I have gotten used to it. I'm realizing that I EXPECT it now. How sad is that?

It's pretty sad if you ask me.

Look, my view on relationships is a little bit of a negative one, but that doesn't keep me from actively looking for the person that will treat me differently the next time around. I don't expect someone to miraculously change me, and I don't expect some fairy-tale "knight in shining armor" to save me. I'm doing my best to change my view on relationships and I do that by meeting people who make relationships look real, instead of like some fantasy world that only the most happy, perfect people are allowed in to. I spend less time trying to dream up this fantasy man and pray more to find someone who has a lot of patience, because heaven only knows I have to marry a patient man. I spend less time worrying about having a boyfriend, and more time trying to be a better daughter of God, a better sister, a better friend.

My view on relationships isn't perfect and it can be a little bitter sometimes (welcome to almost every single, 20-something, hopeless romantic's life) but I won't apologize for that. I am not in any way atni-love or anti-relationships. In fact, I absolutely love the idea of relationships and falling in love, and getting married. I LOVE the fact that two people who love each other can spend the rest of eternity together, even after death. Just so you know, I WANT a relationship. I WANT to find that person who is going to help make me a better woman. I WANT to find the love of my life, and I'm working on it, I'm just slowing down a little bit. So, to all those people at home who ask my Mom every week if I'm married yet: Nope, I'm not and that's okay. I will be eventually and I promise to let you know when I finally get to say 'I do' to that special man.

My view of love has been ruined, but mostly my view of love has just become more realistic and mature.

Have Patience with Yourself

If you don't attend Brigham Young University- Idaho, you probably don't know that every Tuesday at 2pm campus shuts down for a weekly, hour-long devotional. This devotional is given by a wide-range of people, anyone from the Student Activities Director on campus to a member of the Seventy might be asked to speak to the students of BYUI.

A couple weeks ago, Elder Bradley D. Foster, a member of the Second Quorum of the Seventy, addressed the school and gave a heart-filling devotional.

On Tuesdays, I get off work early so that I can participate in these devotionals. Lately, I have been muddling through each week's devotional because I'm tired, or hungry, or I haven't prepared myself to hear what is being said. This particular week, I ended up sitting alone because my roommates didn't go, my sister was sick, and the friend I had been sitting with recently hadn't really said anything about it. I wasn't really in the mood to sit alone, but because I was so tired, I sat down hoping that someone would show up to sit next to me, but nobody did.

Even though I sat alone, how grateful am I, that I chose to stay and listen to the words of this man. His talk resonated deep within me and I felt that he was speaking directly to me.

Elder Foster spoke about trusting in the Lord's plan for us. His words hit me hard as he spoke about being patient with yourself and your life.

If any of you reading this blog know me, you know that this past year has been an emotional roller coaster for me: so many highs and many, many terrible lows. I began scolding and blaming myself for the things that were happening to me, for the friends that I lost, and for all of those emotional lows. I questioned the plan that the Lord had for me, asking

 "Why, if I'm doing everything I should be doing, is this not happening for me?"
 "Why am I having such terrible luck?"
 "How long is it going to take to prove myself?"
 "Why can't I keep a relationship for longer than a month?"

And the worst question of all:
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?"

Hearing Elder Foster speak gave me a new outlook on my so-called "bad luck". I don't have bad luck, I'm just impatient. I romanticize the life that I want which only brings self-doubt and loathing when the things that I want to happen, don't happen.

The Lord has a plan for me. I remind myself of that every day and it's easier to be friends with that ex, mend a lost or broken friendship, and love the life I am currently living. If you have ever asked yourself, any of the questions that I hounded myself with, I want you to know that there is nothing wrong with you, you don't have bad luck, and you don't have to prove yourself to anyone but the Lord. He is the one who has the plan for you, who knows you best, and who shows you unconditional love every day, even if you don't see it.

I have always been a firm believer that you cannot plan the outcome of your life. You can plan and sort and perfect every detail of your life, but at the end of the day, the Lord has a plan for you and that it is what matters. I believe in being prepared and having goals and gaining experience in this life, but really, we can't control the outcome of our life and we have to trust that the Lord has something planned for us. He has not forgotten about you.

So, thank you, Elder Foster, for helping me understand that having patience with myself is the BEST thing that I can do for myself.

To the Bride and Groom...and My Best Friends

My best friend got married today.
She made the biggest decision she's ever had to make in her entire life (so far) and married Vincent.
This day was full of joy and bliss for her, her husband, her friends and family, and for me.
It was, however, tinged with a little bit of sadness for me.

Although it is the beginning of a new family that was sealed for time and all eternity in the Lord's temple, it marked the end of a time when I had my best friend as a roommate. Haley has been there for me through so much. I know I've already blogged about her once, but I think she deserves another blog post. Her parents treated me like part of their family and they never let me forget how thankful they were for me. I hope that I have let them know how thankful I am for their hospitality and for raising a daughter who loves others so much and so easily. She has been the greatest friend to me and it saddens me to know that she will never be my roommate again, but it does make me happy to know that she will be living with a man who will love her and protect her and be her constant companion for the rest of time.

Although this sealing between Haley and Vincent means that Haley will be able to be in the sealing room when it is my turn to be sealed to my husband, I wasn't be able to witness hers.  I wish so much with all of my heart that I could have  been in that room with her and Vincent, her family, his friends, and their loved ones, but I couldn't, and that makes me sad. I know that it isn't important for me to be there, but I wish I could have been. However, because she will have already made those Temple covenants, she will be able to witness my sealing.

Although Haley and Vincent are so in love, their love spikes a little bit of jealousy in me. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE how in love they are,  but I am also jealous of their love. They are each others absolute best friends and she is the first person that I've had the opportunity to witness in the process of falling in love. I can't help but feeling anxious for the day that someone looks at me the way Vincent looks at Haley. I can't help but feeling anxious for the day that I get to go through the temple with my very best friend for the first time to make covenants with the Lord. I can't help but feeling anxious for the day that I get to be sealed to my best friend for time and all eternity.  I am so happy for them, and also jealous for my own selfish reasons.

Haley has taught me to be strong and true. She has taught me to never lose faith, even when it feels like everything inside of you is telling you to give up. She has helped me see that we all have our "time" and that mine is coming...and that we both hope it's sooner rather than later (haha). Haley may not know the path she wants to take in life, but she knows, spiritually, where she needs to be. I have had the opportunity to watch her grow spiritually over the last (approximately) 9 months that we've lived together and I've been inspired by her growth along with an increase in maturity.

Vincent is a whole other story. To be honest, I wasn't his biggest fan when I first met him, but he has become like a brother to me. We put on appearances, but we really do enjoy each other's company. I love him for loving Haley and being so good for her. I love that he treats her well and has shown me how a man should love a woman. He will have no problem being a loving husband to Haley and a father to their future children. He is a great example of faith, character, and hard work in my life. He doesn't ever do anything out of selfishness and he is a light in a world of darkness.

So even, though this day brings some sadness to my life, my heart is full of love and joy for the happy couple. I am excited for what the Lord has in store for their future.

To the Bride and Groom,

I am more than honored to be included in your wedding party. I love you both more than I can put into words.

Mr and Mrs Vincent Furfaro

Est. 27 December 2013

What's in a Name?

This semester has been a different experience for me. It's been so incredibly hard, yet so incredibly amazing at the same time. 

It's been quite the adventure filled with heartache, home-sickness, tears, hurt feelings, love, joy, achievement, and bonding, but what I really want to tell you about today is the bonding experiences I've had this semester, but in order to do that I have to start with a little back story about last semester.

Last semester...was not the easiest four months of my life, in fact, it was pretty miserable. I had no family here, one friend who I rarely saw and I felt extremely alone. I loved my roommates but sometimes I felt that I wasn't wanted. I grew to love them more as the semester went by and I never thought that the bond could be any stronger.

This semester has proven that to be incorrect. I want to tell you about one roommate in particular. I don't know what it was, but she and I bonded so quickly. She came back to Rexburg in September and the first thing she told the rest of us was that she was ENGAGED! We all saw it coming, but I was still extremely excited for her. Her fiance is wonderful and I have grown to love him even more than I did at the end of last semester. They have become my very best friends. 

Haley got me to start running with her, and even though it's sometimes a struggle for her to get me to the gym or when I complain, she still encourages me and is always so proud of me. 

We do pretty much everything together. Okay, so not everything, but I spend a lot of time with her and Vince.  I don't know what I'd do without them this semester and I don't know what I'm going to do without them in the winter.

Haley understands me, even when I'm crying hysterically about something dumb. She never makes something that I feel is a huge deal, less than what it feels like. 

Whether it's acting really stupid in public, going to the testing center together, going to the gym, building a bunk bed fort and having a sleep over, spooning, crying to each other, planning a wedding, we have been through a lot this semester and I cannot express to you how much this girl inspires me.

She'd do anything for me and I'd do anything for her. I feel like I can't say "thank you" to her enough for all that she does for me.

She, to me, is the true definition of a friend. I can't call her my "best friend" because that doesn't explain our friendship. Besides, what's in a name? It means nothing if it can't be explained. She's more than a "best friend" to me.

I'm so thankful for her and for all that she does for me!

I love you, H!

I cannot wait to be a bridesmaid in your wedding! I love seeing you so happy!

31 DAYS!

When Words Fail Me.

Sometimes, words get in the way and I
 have to let music take over and fill 
in the spaces that are left behind. 
I'm not the best as speaking what I feel.
Some days the only thing that 
comes out of my mouth is
a song.
This song really says a lot 
and I haven't been able to
get my mind off
of it.
It's perfect. 
So, here's to those of you, like me,
 who sometimes have to let music 
speak for us.

And more importantly, this one is for you.




































It's a little bit funny , this feeling inside

I'm not one of those who can easily hide

I don't have much money, but boy if I did

I'd buy a big house where we both could live

So excuse me forgetting, but these things I do

See I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue

Anyway the thing is what I really mean

Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen

And you can tell everybody this is your song

It may be quite simple, but now that it's done

I hope you don't mind, 

I hope you don't mind that I put down in words

How wonderful life is now you're in the world

If I was a sculptor, but then again no

Or a girl who makes potions in a traveling show

I know it's not much, but it's the best I can do

My gift is my song, and this one's for you

And you can tell everybody this is your song

It may be quite simple, but now that it's done

I hope you don't mind, 

I hope you don't mind that I put down in words

How wonderful life is now you're in the world

Learn to Accept the Apology You Deserve, but Will Never Recieve

This is my apology.

About four months ago I had some learning experiences with someone who was my best friend at the time, but we are now only strangers with some memories: good and bad.

We did a lot of fighting near the end of our relationship and I accept responsibility for 60% of it,

but I'm realizing now, that my taking "responsibility" for that has proven to be unhealthy. 

I've beat myself up, made myself sick and tried everything possible for six months to get this person to forgive me and for him to apologize to me as well, and even though I've realized that I can't force someone to apologize to me, I can apologize and accept the apology that I will never receive. 

I am not the kind of person that is okay with dwelling in anger and tension, and I try my very best to be friendly with anyone from "my past."

Nothing good comes from hate, so I always try to avoid that, but in some situations, you cannot be friends with someone who doesn't want to be friends with you.

So, this is my apology.

 When I say this is my apology, know that I've already apologized to this person...many times.

This apology is not to him, I've already forgiven him, no, this apology is to myself.

I can't get back that part of my life, and I don't live with regrets.

There's nothing left that can be said. 

There isn't a way for us to be friends again.

There is only one road to peace of mind and a light heart, and that road is the one of self forgiveness.

I've learned that if you can't forgive yourself, you'll never truly be able to move on.

It's hard to do that, but it's so worth it.

I've learned that, even though I'm happy, I can't fully give my heart to someone else, until I forgive myself

for what happened four months ago.

I apologize to myself for every destructive thought about myself as a person.

I apologize to myself for every hurt feeling, every rude comment taken to heart.

I apologize to myself for allowing my heart feel so heavy over something that I moved on from months ago.

I don't regret much in my life, and I wouldn't change what happened because I grew from it, learned from it

and I finally realized how to be happy. I learned what I want in my life

and what I don't want in my life.

So, I apologize to myself for ever letting my mind, heart and body be overwhelmed with hard feelings

and grief about what happened being "my fault." 

I've learned to accept what is and step forward in a new direction. 

I am so incredibly happy with my life and my new outlook on life and past relationships. 

Nothing should ever stop you from loving others.

We're Just As Bad As Him

We all know the story, but in case you don't here's a little recap: Mike Jeffries, the CEO of Abercrombie and Fitch, has made the controversial comments of:

“We hire good-looking people in our stores. Because good-looking people attract other good-looking people, and we want to market to cool, good-looking people. We don't market to anyone other than that.” 

...as well as...

"In every school there are the cool and popular kids, and then there are the not-so-cool kids," he says. "Candidly, we go after the cool kids. We go after the attractive all-American kid with a great attitude and a lot of friends. A lot of people don't belong [in our clothes], and they can't belong. Are we exclusionary? Absolutely. Those companies that are in trouble are trying to target everybody: young, old, fat, skinny. But then you become totally vanilla. You don't alienate anybody, but you don't excite anybody, either." 

 Jeffries doesn't allow plus-sized clothes to be sold from his stores, because he says that he "doesn't want larger people shopping in his store." 

What a swell guy, right?   Fine. Go ahead and be a bigot and judge a woman's beauty by her size or the way she looks. I don't particularly care for the middle-school looking styles that Abercrombie and Fitch sells either way, but there is another controversy tied to this story as well.  The other, lesser recognized, is the one where WE, as the angry mob of consumers who believe that Mike Jeffries is destined for a warm, fiery future, stoop to his level by judging, making fun of, and criticizing HIS looks. Mike Jeffries looks like this:

Not the most attractive guy, you've ever seen, right? I sure don't think so,either, but my problem isn't with his looks. You look the way you look. You can't really change that, unless you want to spend thousands and thousands of dollars on plastic surgery to make yourself look like other

 people's idea of what "attractive" is. No, my issue isn't with how hypocritical this guy is, but how judgmental and crude the rest of us are being. Memes of Jeffries float around every social networking site that I take part of (Twitter, Facebook, Blogger, Pinterest, etc.) and today I ran across this one while I was on Pinterest. I was so frustrated by this, that I stopped in the middle of my pinning spree to write this blog:

Just take a minute, and think about the double-standard that is taking place here. 

If you've been able to recognize and pick out the double-standard and hypocrisy of both sides of this controversy, then please read on, but if you haven't been able to see what's wrong with the above picture, then please stop reading, this post isn't for you.

The hypocrisy of our angered statements are just as ugly as the words Jeffries speaks about "fat" and "uncool" kids.  If we are so angry about Jeffries judging and making ignorant comments and if we believe that it isn't okay for him to treat human beings this way, why are we doing it to him? The issue here is what he is saying and doing and should not be what he looks like. Point out the hypocrisy, okay, but when we start creating memes like this one...

 ...and the one above, aren't we just as bad as him?

What I am not saying is that Mike Jeffries is correct in his opinion and hateful comments about what he thinks beauty is, but we are also not correct in making fun of him. If we are so bent on changing the world's view of judgement and beauty, we need to start with ourselves. Those who are secure in their lifestyle do not feel the need to harass, attack or put down others. Mike Jeffries is incredibly arrogant and frustrating, yes, but we need to learn that attacking him (especially when he won't see what we have to say), is not going to change his opinion. In the words of Dieter F. Ucthdorf:

"We simply have to stop judging others and replace judgmental thoughts and feelings with a heart full of love for God and His children."

"This topic of judging others could actually be taught in a two-word sermon," he said. "When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges or wanting to cause harm — please apply the following: Stop it!"

"A heart full of love," it's hard to love someone who is so crude in his ways but that's what we need to do. Instead of hating, backfiring our bad thoughts about Mike Jeffries, we need to show love and compassion toward HIS lack of love. Like Jeffries, our hands are just as stained by hate when we react to him the way he reacts to "unattractive" people.