My "Unperfect" "Wedding

By the time I post this, I'll have been married 3 months to the day today. Honestly, I always imagined myself getting married young and being a wife, but in the last few years after the turmoil and heartache and trouble I let myself get into, I decided that enough was enough and that I wasn't going to get married until I graduated college and had a plan for my life. I wasn't going to let a man define me and I was going to be my own person. Well, that all happened so quickly.

My journey to self discovery came fast and I quickly found myself in a spot where I was secure enough in knowing who I am and who I want to be, that apparently that was a sign from heaven that I was ready to get married and my eyes were opened to Chris. Now, if you've seen our wedding blog, you'll know our story but in case you haven't you can read it HERE.

Anyway, things happened so quickly and I can hardly believe that I got married 3 months ago. I never would have even had the  hope to believe that I'd be married to my best friend this soon in my life. I'm only 21 years old, for heavens sake.

I guess that for anyone at any age getting married, there can be a lot of doubt or uncertainty, and for me the voice of my friends back home and even some family asking if I'm sure that I want to get married so young rang strong in my mind. I knew in my heart that Chris was my person. He's the one I want to spend eternity with, but being as anxious as I am, I worried. I worried that after two years of friendship, I didn't know him well enough. I worried that I wouldn't be a perfect wife and that it wasn't financially smart (yes, I heard that one many times) to get married so young. I worried a lot and by the time we had traveled to the wedding, I had given myself a stomach ulcer from the stress.

I cried ten minutes before I got married because my best friend decided not to show up, I almost passed out during our wedding ceremony because I was in so much pain, I was 30 minutes late to the reception and found out that our reception photographer didn't show up and of course all of the small things didn't go as I wanted them to.

I watched my beautiful friend's wedding video tonight and cried my eyes out. She was so perfect. She was beautiful and her husband was perfect. Their reception was a fairy tale.  She had everything I wish I had at my reception. I was jealous. I was completely.

I never remember being the type of girl who planned and dreamed of her wedding but once I did start planning, I knew what I wanted but I knew compromises had to be made because we couldn't afford to pay for everything I wanted.

I'm very thankful to my parents for everything they did to make my wedding happen as closely to what I wanted, but it wasn't perfect. I didn't have the perfect wedding that I wanted, and I didn't have the perfect reception, or the perfect hair or the perfect makeup, but what I did have was my best friend as my husband.

I had my amazing family and friends there to celebrate with me. I had a beautiful dress that I still want to wear every single day of my life. I had friends and family help transform a dreary old church gym into a beautiful reception site and I had friends that I hadn't seen in years show up to surprise me.  I settled for a lot in my "unperfect" wedding, but some things I didn't settle for were (1) the man I married, or (2) the family I married into, or (3) my family who did everything they could to make my day as perfect as they possibly could.

So even though I sometimes get jealous over my friends' receptions or dresses, I know I didn't need that $8000 reception venue, that $900 dress or that $1700 photographer to make my day special. I know my wedding was beautiful. I was beautiful because  I loved my dress, I loved my hair and I loved my reception. Life is not money. It is the memories you make and the people you hold dear. And my day was just that. Filled with the important people and the important memories.

PS- Shoutout to the AMAZING photographer who did our engagements and our formals. Kendra Handy is AMAZING and you can find her website here and her Facebook page here. 

To The Girls Who Made Fun of Me in High School

It's been a little over 3 years since I graduated high school and after I graduated, I moved out to Idaho for school. That's almost 1,800 miles away from my home. I didn't move to get away from the bullies or the mean girls. I moved because I wanted to. I moved so far away because I love traveling. I'm moved away because I wanted to get away from the people I went to high school with and meet new people. I moved because Kentucky had nothing left to offer me.

There was one particular girl in high school that was not necessarily mean to me, but she had no problem laughing at me when I messed up or when I came to school looking less than HER best. I complimented this girls' daughter recently and she was shocked. She said "You're...like nice" I didn't know what to say. I mean, she was genuinely shocked that I would be nice to her. She said "Why was I always so mean to you in high school? You're actually a good person." Well, I knew that the whole time and I'm just sorry that it took you this long to figure it out. We could have been good friends.

I understand now why you made fun of me in high school.

I understand why you and your friends and other "popular girls" were not very nice to me. I get it now. It's not because you were insecure - at least, I don't think you were. For all I know you had a lot of insecurities but we weren't close enough for me to know that. You made fun of me because I was an easy target. I wasn't "uncool" or "unpopular" but I was an easy target and I made myself so. I was nice to the people that a "popular" kid wouldn't be nice to. I was an easy target because I had all these religious beliefs that you didn't understand. I was an easy target because I was awkward. I wasn't sure of myself like you seemed to be. I didn't know who I was but I did know that I didn't care about TRYING to be the "cool kids" friend and trying to sit at their lunch table. I guess for some reason that irked you. I guess that the fact that being in the "in group" didn't appeal to me, drew your attention to me because you were so used to everyone trying to impress you and be your friend.   

You might not want my forgiveness and you probably don't even care and I might be presumptuous to give it to you, but I just want you to know that I get it now. It hurt at the time but knowing that I had real friends who actually cared about me and didn't make fun of me for my faults and insecurities, it didn't really matter in the long run. I understand. But now you have a beautiful daughter and you seem to have a good life going for you. I'm happy for you because of that. 

So, everything is okay.

A Very Different, Very Happy Mother's Day.

My mom is an amazing woman. She has always been the greatest example to me. My mom deserves the moon and all the stars.

I never appreciated my mom until I was a senior in high school, but I never knew how much I loved my mom until I left for school 1,700 miles away from her.

My mom has been a strength to me my entire life. She has always been two shoulder to cry on, a hug to embrace, hands to feed, a mouthpiece  to advise and a friend to laugh with.

My Mom has always been there to comfort me from when my best friend in middle school decided she didn't want to be my friend anymore, to helping me decide what I want to be and who I want to be when I grow up, to helping me stay sane while planning my wedding.

She has always been a support to me when I wanted to start sewing, when I wanted to start dancing, when I was absolutely terrified to sing an Amazing Grace solo at my senior year choir concert, when I wanted to change my major and when I decided to marry Chris along with countless other times.

My mom never made my decisions for me, even when I wanted her to so I wouldn't have to, but allowed and expected me to make my own choices, knowing (even when I didn't) that I'd choose the right path.

My mom has always been my best friend but she always was my mother first and foremeost which I am so thankful for. At times that I wish my mom would have just been my friend rather than my mother was when I needed her to be my mother most.

She helped raise six strong, intelligent, beautiful, and talented daughters (I'm a little bias toward my sisters' characters) and for that I am ever grateful. The ability she has to support all of us, her sons-in-law, her grandchildren and her husband (who is only in the country every other month or so) and do it with a smile even when life is hard, is truly inspiring and I am so lucky to be her baby.

My Mommy will never and could never be replaced by anyone in the entire world. I always miss her and when I do get to see her, it isn't enough time. I love my mom so much and I could never begin to explain how thankful I am to her for all she has done for me. I can only hope to be as amazing, strong, beautiful, kind and selfless as she is.

This Mother's Day marks the first year for the rest of my life that I get to thank not only my birth mom and not just one mother in law, but two, for being amazing examples of strong women.

I'm getting married in 80 days to the best man that I've ever dated. Normally, when getting married, a girl gains a mother-in-law, but I get the opportunity to have two mothers-in-law.

Myra, Chris' step-mom, is a sweet woman. She loves her children and her step-children with everything she has. She accepted me when we first met and for that I am so thankful. The love and welcome I felt was comforting and I am so happy to be marrying into such a wonderful family. Myra loves her family and it is obvious to anyone that she would do anything for them. She helped bring into this world four beautiful spirits that I get to have as younger siblings (I finally get to have younger siblings!) She is an amazing woman who I am so excited to get to know a little bit better.

Chris' mother, Kelly, is not someone that I've had the pleasure to meet and someone I won't have the opportunity to meet in this life. As much as I wish that I could have met her before her time on this beautiful earth was up, I know what an amazing mother she is. I see the influence and impact she had on Chris everyday. I know by the way he talks about her, that she was a strong, beautiful woman who loved her family.

 Even though I don't get to meet her in this life, I know that she is part of the reason that I get to be happy for eternity. She brought into this world, my future sister-in-law and brother-in-law, and the wonderful, handsome man I get to marry for time and all eternity and for that I am eternally grateful. I love hearing stories of her life and I love hearing about the type of mother she was. I can only hope that she would love and accept me into her family. I cannot wait to meet her one day.

A Few Words from Chris:

Motherly Tribute

"This day always comes and goes, every year, intermixed with busy schedules, the typical social media posts and,phone calls made across the world. This year, as Mother's day is finally here, I want to take some time to truly reflect on the importance of mothers as a whole but also focus on my own mother and what she has taught me.

My mother, Kelly, has been a huge influence in my life. She raised me to be who I am today and has shaped a lot of the decisions I have made in my life. People always say you don't know how good something is until it's gone and I truly feel this way about my mother. She passed away over 10 years ago, yet, everything she taught me in the 14 years I had with her has brought me to where I am now. Sure, some people may feel sorry for me, that such a tragedy occurred to my family at a very critical age and I simply respond with, "She is still teaching me things and shaping my future and always will because I am her son."

Mother, I am so proud and extremely grateful to have had one here on Earth. I am so thankful for the morals and things she has taught me in my life and the knowledge she has given me I continually use each and every day. But mostly, I am grateful that she brought me into this world and loved me with a love only a mother could have for her child. Thank you mom, I love you!!"

This Mother's Day, I am so thankful to all the women in my life who have ever been like a mother to me and I'm so thankful to my Mommy and to my future mothers.  I hope all women, mothers, future mothers, hopeful mothers, and even those who aren't sure that they want children, know how special and loved they are.

I am so excited to one day join the amazing Motherhood Club and hopefully raise my children with as much love as my mother raised me and my sisters.

"All that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my angel mother." -Abraham Lincoln

Let's Be Honest: My View of Love Has Been Ruined

The other day, I was describing my view of love to a friend of mine from home (Kentucky home) and she told me that it has been ruined. She said "love should be exactly the fantasy you can dream up and even more and if it's not that, you need to keep looking. Don't settle for someone less than your prince." My prince? Yeah, I'm not a modern day princess and my life is not a picturesque fairy tale. I'm not looking for a prince, I'm looking for a man that can love me for me.

 I grew up in  VERY loving home with parents who loved me and my sisters. I was very blessed to have been raised in a family where divorce was never an option. Of course my parents had arguments, as any normal married couple would, but there was never any infidelity or separation or whatever else the world has to throw out as option for a couple who believe they "just aren't working out".  Even though my parents loved each other and I grew up with the example of a healthy relationship, my friend was right, my view on relationships and dating HAS been ruined.

Okay look, don't feel sorry for me. I don't write this to get sympathy votes, it's just the way it is for me. My view on relationships and love has been ruined by many a failed relationship. Ever since I started dating at age 16, it's been failed relationship after failed relationship. It didn't really matter much to me in high school, but 3 years into college, I have to use both hands to count the amount of times I've been dumped, lied to, or used as a stand in for someone better to come along.

Recently I decided to take a "break" from dating so I can focus on school, church, work and myself. No dating drama. Seems pretty easy, right?  Well, this actually isn't an easy feat for me (easier said than done) because I like going on dates and meeting new people. I enjoy getting to know people and I don't like saying 'no' because I know how hard it must be for some guys to ask girls on dates. So when a guy I met last semester, let's call him Sam, asked me to watch a movie with him, I was in a really tough spot but I couldn't say no. The first time I met Sam it was through a mutual friend. When I saw him, I instantly thought he was really cute, but never did anything about it because I thought he was taken. About a week ago I found that he wasn't dating anyone. We started talking on our own instead of always waiting for me to be invited to a group activity that he would be at. It's only been five days since this spark caught flame, but here I am waiting for the fall out.

Honesty is very important to me. I don't want to hear all the reasons why you think I'm a "great girl" or why you're  "sorry that there was confusion," just be honest and the whole world will keep on spinning, and my heart WILL keep on beating. If you don't like someone that likes you, tell them that. Do it nicely, but do it. Dishonesty is one of the HUGE reasons why I'm more inclined to deny a relationship. I don't want to be lied to. Who does? Dishonesty scares my very soul. If you can't love me for me, I don't want you to love me at all.

 Really, though, if I'm being honest (ha, get it?), I can be very insecure and what dating has taught me so far is that I'm not enough this, or I'm too that. I used to believe in the whole 'fairy tale love story' that movies put out there for little girls to grow up hoping to have some day, but I don't anymore. I've learned that it doesn't work that way. Seriously, though, dating has taught me to wait for the spark to die out, to jut sit around waiting for the day that he gets bored of me, to wait for the day that someone better (no matter how good of a girlfriend I am, no matter how honest and real I am) comes along and I'm left sitting between Point A and Point B having to trudge my way all the way back to that starting point. Again and again this has happened...and I, well, I have gotten used to it. I'm realizing that I EXPECT it now. How sad is that?

It's pretty sad if you ask me.

Look, my view on relationships is a little bit of a negative one, but that doesn't keep me from actively looking for the person that will treat me differently the next time around. I don't expect someone to miraculously change me, and I don't expect some fairy-tale "knight in shining armor" to save me. I'm doing my best to change my view on relationships and I do that by meeting people who make relationships look real, instead of like some fantasy world that only the most happy, perfect people are allowed in to. I spend less time trying to dream up this fantasy man and pray more to find someone who has a lot of patience, because heaven only knows I have to marry a patient man. I spend less time worrying about having a boyfriend, and more time trying to be a better daughter of God, a better sister, a better friend.

My view on relationships isn't perfect and it can be a little bitter sometimes (welcome to almost every single, 20-something, hopeless romantic's life) but I won't apologize for that. I am not in any way atni-love or anti-relationships. In fact, I absolutely love the idea of relationships and falling in love, and getting married. I LOVE the fact that two people who love each other can spend the rest of eternity together, even after death. Just so you know, I WANT a relationship. I WANT to find that person who is going to help make me a better woman. I WANT to find the love of my life, and I'm working on it, I'm just slowing down a little bit. So, to all those people at home who ask my Mom every week if I'm married yet: Nope, I'm not and that's okay. I will be eventually and I promise to let you know when I finally get to say 'I do' to that special man.

My view of love has been ruined, but mostly my view of love has just become more realistic and mature.

Have Patience with Yourself

If you don't attend Brigham Young University- Idaho, you probably don't know that every Tuesday at 2pm campus shuts down for a weekly, hour-long devotional. This devotional is given by a wide-range of people, anyone from the Student Activities Director on campus to a member of the Seventy might be asked to speak to the students of BYUI.

A couple weeks ago, Elder Bradley D. Foster, a member of the Second Quorum of the Seventy, addressed the school and gave a heart-filling devotional.

On Tuesdays, I get off work early so that I can participate in these devotionals. Lately, I have been muddling through each week's devotional because I'm tired, or hungry, or I haven't prepared myself to hear what is being said. This particular week, I ended up sitting alone because my roommates didn't go, my sister was sick, and the friend I had been sitting with recently hadn't really said anything about it. I wasn't really in the mood to sit alone, but because I was so tired, I sat down hoping that someone would show up to sit next to me, but nobody did.

Even though I sat alone, how grateful am I, that I chose to stay and listen to the words of this man. His talk resonated deep within me and I felt that he was speaking directly to me.

Elder Foster spoke about trusting in the Lord's plan for us. His words hit me hard as he spoke about being patient with yourself and your life.

If any of you reading this blog know me, you know that this past year has been an emotional roller coaster for me: so many highs and many, many terrible lows. I began scolding and blaming myself for the things that were happening to me, for the friends that I lost, and for all of those emotional lows. I questioned the plan that the Lord had for me, asking

 "Why, if I'm doing everything I should be doing, is this not happening for me?"
 "Why am I having such terrible luck?"
 "How long is it going to take to prove myself?"
 "Why can't I keep a relationship for longer than a month?"

And the worst question of all:
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?"

Hearing Elder Foster speak gave me a new outlook on my so-called "bad luck". I don't have bad luck, I'm just impatient. I romanticize the life that I want which only brings self-doubt and loathing when the things that I want to happen, don't happen.

The Lord has a plan for me. I remind myself of that every day and it's easier to be friends with that ex, mend a lost or broken friendship, and love the life I am currently living. If you have ever asked yourself, any of the questions that I hounded myself with, I want you to know that there is nothing wrong with you, you don't have bad luck, and you don't have to prove yourself to anyone but the Lord. He is the one who has the plan for you, who knows you best, and who shows you unconditional love every day, even if you don't see it.

I have always been a firm believer that you cannot plan the outcome of your life. You can plan and sort and perfect every detail of your life, but at the end of the day, the Lord has a plan for you and that it is what matters. I believe in being prepared and having goals and gaining experience in this life, but really, we can't control the outcome of our life and we have to trust that the Lord has something planned for us. He has not forgotten about you.

So, thank you, Elder Foster, for helping me understand that having patience with myself is the BEST thing that I can do for myself.

To the Bride and Groom...and My Best Friends

My best friend got married today.
She made the biggest decision she's ever had to make in her entire life (so far) and married Vincent.
This day was full of joy and bliss for her, her husband, her friends and family, and for me.
It was, however, tinged with a little bit of sadness for me.

Although it is the beginning of a new family that was sealed for time and all eternity in the Lord's temple, it marked the end of a time when I had my best friend as a roommate. Haley has been there for me through so much. I know I've already blogged about her once, but I think she deserves another blog post. Her parents treated me like part of their family and they never let me forget how thankful they were for me. I hope that I have let them know how thankful I am for their hospitality and for raising a daughter who loves others so much and so easily. She has been the greatest friend to me and it saddens me to know that she will never be my roommate again, but it does make me happy to know that she will be living with a man who will love her and protect her and be her constant companion for the rest of time.

Although this sealing between Haley and Vincent means that Haley will be able to be in the sealing room when it is my turn to be sealed to my husband, I wasn't be able to witness hers.  I wish so much with all of my heart that I could have  been in that room with her and Vincent, her family, his friends, and their loved ones, but I couldn't, and that makes me sad. I know that it isn't important for me to be there, but I wish I could have been. However, because she will have already made those Temple covenants, she will be able to witness my sealing.

Although Haley and Vincent are so in love, their love spikes a little bit of jealousy in me. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE how in love they are,  but I am also jealous of their love. They are each others absolute best friends and she is the first person that I've had the opportunity to witness in the process of falling in love. I can't help but feeling anxious for the day that someone looks at me the way Vincent looks at Haley. I can't help but feeling anxious for the day that I get to go through the temple with my very best friend for the first time to make covenants with the Lord. I can't help but feeling anxious for the day that I get to be sealed to my best friend for time and all eternity.  I am so happy for them, and also jealous for my own selfish reasons.

Haley has taught me to be strong and true. She has taught me to never lose faith, even when it feels like everything inside of you is telling you to give up. She has helped me see that we all have our "time" and that mine is coming...and that we both hope it's sooner rather than later (haha). Haley may not know the path she wants to take in life, but she knows, spiritually, where she needs to be. I have had the opportunity to watch her grow spiritually over the last (approximately) 9 months that we've lived together and I've been inspired by her growth along with an increase in maturity.

Vincent is a whole other story. To be honest, I wasn't his biggest fan when I first met him, but he has become like a brother to me. We put on appearances, but we really do enjoy each other's company. I love him for loving Haley and being so good for her. I love that he treats her well and has shown me how a man should love a woman. He will have no problem being a loving husband to Haley and a father to their future children. He is a great example of faith, character, and hard work in my life. He doesn't ever do anything out of selfishness and he is a light in a world of darkness.

So even, though this day brings some sadness to my life, my heart is full of love and joy for the happy couple. I am excited for what the Lord has in store for their future.

To the Bride and Groom,

I am more than honored to be included in your wedding party. I love you both more than I can put into words.

Mr and Mrs Vincent Furfaro

Est. 27 December 2013

What's in a Name?

This semester has been a different experience for me. It's been so incredibly hard, yet so incredibly amazing at the same time. 

It's been quite the adventure filled with heartache, home-sickness, tears, hurt feelings, love, joy, achievement, and bonding, but what I really want to tell you about today is the bonding experiences I've had this semester, but in order to do that I have to start with a little back story about last semester.

Last semester...was not the easiest four months of my life, in fact, it was pretty miserable. I had no family here, one friend who I rarely saw and I felt extremely alone. I loved my roommates but sometimes I felt that I wasn't wanted. I grew to love them more as the semester went by and I never thought that the bond could be any stronger.

This semester has proven that to be incorrect. I want to tell you about one roommate in particular. I don't know what it was, but she and I bonded so quickly. She came back to Rexburg in September and the first thing she told the rest of us was that she was ENGAGED! We all saw it coming, but I was still extremely excited for her. Her fiance is wonderful and I have grown to love him even more than I did at the end of last semester. They have become my very best friends. 

Haley got me to start running with her, and even though it's sometimes a struggle for her to get me to the gym or when I complain, she still encourages me and is always so proud of me. 

We do pretty much everything together. Okay, so not everything, but I spend a lot of time with her and Vince.  I don't know what I'd do without them this semester and I don't know what I'm going to do without them in the winter.

Haley understands me, even when I'm crying hysterically about something dumb. She never makes something that I feel is a huge deal, less than what it feels like. 

Whether it's acting really stupid in public, going to the testing center together, going to the gym, building a bunk bed fort and having a sleep over, spooning, crying to each other, planning a wedding, we have been through a lot this semester and I cannot express to you how much this girl inspires me.

She'd do anything for me and I'd do anything for her. I feel like I can't say "thank you" to her enough for all that she does for me.

She, to me, is the true definition of a friend. I can't call her my "best friend" because that doesn't explain our friendship. Besides, what's in a name? It means nothing if it can't be explained. She's more than a "best friend" to me.

I'm so thankful for her and for all that she does for me!

I love you, H!

I cannot wait to be a bridesmaid in your wedding! I love seeing you so happy!

31 DAYS!

When Words Fail Me.

Sometimes, words get in the way and I
 have to let music take over and fill 
in the spaces that are left behind. 
I'm not the best as speaking what I feel.
Some days the only thing that 
comes out of my mouth is
a song.
This song really says a lot 
and I haven't been able to
get my mind off
of it.
It's perfect. 
So, here's to those of you, like me,
 who sometimes have to let music 
speak for us.

And more importantly, this one is for you.




































It's a little bit funny , this feeling inside

I'm not one of those who can easily hide

I don't have much money, but boy if I did

I'd buy a big house where we both could live

So excuse me forgetting, but these things I do

See I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue

Anyway the thing is what I really mean

Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen

And you can tell everybody this is your song

It may be quite simple, but now that it's done

I hope you don't mind, 

I hope you don't mind that I put down in words

How wonderful life is now you're in the world

If I was a sculptor, but then again no

Or a girl who makes potions in a traveling show

I know it's not much, but it's the best I can do

My gift is my song, and this one's for you

And you can tell everybody this is your song

It may be quite simple, but now that it's done

I hope you don't mind, 

I hope you don't mind that I put down in words

How wonderful life is now you're in the world

Learn to Accept the Apology You Deserve, but Will Never Recieve

This is my apology.

About four months ago I had some learning experiences with someone who was my best friend at the time, but we are now only strangers with some memories: good and bad.

We did a lot of fighting near the end of our relationship and I accept responsibility for 60% of it,

but I'm realizing now, that my taking "responsibility" for that has proven to be unhealthy. 

I've beat myself up, made myself sick and tried everything possible for six months to get this person to forgive me and for him to apologize to me as well, and even though I've realized that I can't force someone to apologize to me, I can apologize and accept the apology that I will never receive. 

I am not the kind of person that is okay with dwelling in anger and tension, and I try my very best to be friendly with anyone from "my past."

Nothing good comes from hate, so I always try to avoid that, but in some situations, you cannot be friends with someone who doesn't want to be friends with you.

So, this is my apology.

 When I say this is my apology, know that I've already apologized to this person...many times.

This apology is not to him, I've already forgiven him, no, this apology is to myself.

I can't get back that part of my life, and I don't live with regrets.

There's nothing left that can be said. 

There isn't a way for us to be friends again.

There is only one road to peace of mind and a light heart, and that road is the one of self forgiveness.

I've learned that if you can't forgive yourself, you'll never truly be able to move on.

It's hard to do that, but it's so worth it.

I've learned that, even though I'm happy, I can't fully give my heart to someone else, until I forgive myself

for what happened four months ago.

I apologize to myself for every destructive thought about myself as a person.

I apologize to myself for every hurt feeling, every rude comment taken to heart.

I apologize to myself for allowing my heart feel so heavy over something that I moved on from months ago.

I don't regret much in my life, and I wouldn't change what happened because I grew from it, learned from it

and I finally realized how to be happy. I learned what I want in my life

and what I don't want in my life.

So, I apologize to myself for ever letting my mind, heart and body be overwhelmed with hard feelings

and grief about what happened being "my fault." 

I've learned to accept what is and step forward in a new direction. 

I am so incredibly happy with my life and my new outlook on life and past relationships. 

Nothing should ever stop you from loving others.

We're Just As Bad As Him

We all know the story, but in case you don't here's a little recap: Mike Jeffries, the CEO of Abercrombie and Fitch, has made the controversial comments of:

“We hire good-looking people in our stores. Because good-looking people attract other good-looking people, and we want to market to cool, good-looking people. We don't market to anyone other than that.” 

...as well as...

"In every school there are the cool and popular kids, and then there are the not-so-cool kids," he says. "Candidly, we go after the cool kids. We go after the attractive all-American kid with a great attitude and a lot of friends. A lot of people don't belong [in our clothes], and they can't belong. Are we exclusionary? Absolutely. Those companies that are in trouble are trying to target everybody: young, old, fat, skinny. But then you become totally vanilla. You don't alienate anybody, but you don't excite anybody, either." 

 Jeffries doesn't allow plus-sized clothes to be sold from his stores, because he says that he "doesn't want larger people shopping in his store." 

What a swell guy, right?   Fine. Go ahead and be a bigot and judge a woman's beauty by her size or the way she looks. I don't particularly care for the middle-school looking styles that Abercrombie and Fitch sells either way, but there is another controversy tied to this story as well.  The other, lesser recognized, is the one where WE, as the angry mob of consumers who believe that Mike Jeffries is destined for a warm, fiery future, stoop to his level by judging, making fun of, and criticizing HIS looks. Mike Jeffries looks like this:

Not the most attractive guy, you've ever seen, right? I sure don't think so,either, but my problem isn't with his looks. You look the way you look. You can't really change that, unless you want to spend thousands and thousands of dollars on plastic surgery to make yourself look like other

 people's idea of what "attractive" is. No, my issue isn't with how hypocritical this guy is, but how judgmental and crude the rest of us are being. Memes of Jeffries float around every social networking site that I take part of (Twitter, Facebook, Blogger, Pinterest, etc.) and today I ran across this one while I was on Pinterest. I was so frustrated by this, that I stopped in the middle of my pinning spree to write this blog:

Just take a minute, and think about the double-standard that is taking place here. 

If you've been able to recognize and pick out the double-standard and hypocrisy of both sides of this controversy, then please read on, but if you haven't been able to see what's wrong with the above picture, then please stop reading, this post isn't for you.

The hypocrisy of our angered statements are just as ugly as the words Jeffries speaks about "fat" and "uncool" kids.  If we are so angry about Jeffries judging and making ignorant comments and if we believe that it isn't okay for him to treat human beings this way, why are we doing it to him? The issue here is what he is saying and doing and should not be what he looks like. Point out the hypocrisy, okay, but when we start creating memes like this one...

 ...and the one above, aren't we just as bad as him?

What I am not saying is that Mike Jeffries is correct in his opinion and hateful comments about what he thinks beauty is, but we are also not correct in making fun of him. If we are so bent on changing the world's view of judgement and beauty, we need to start with ourselves. Those who are secure in their lifestyle do not feel the need to harass, attack or put down others. Mike Jeffries is incredibly arrogant and frustrating, yes, but we need to learn that attacking him (especially when he won't see what we have to say), is not going to change his opinion. In the words of Dieter F. Ucthdorf:

"We simply have to stop judging others and replace judgmental thoughts and feelings with a heart full of love for God and His children."

"This topic of judging others could actually be taught in a two-word sermon," he said. "When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges or wanting to cause harm — please apply the following: Stop it!"

"A heart full of love," it's hard to love someone who is so crude in his ways but that's what we need to do. Instead of hating, backfiring our bad thoughts about Mike Jeffries, we need to show love and compassion toward HIS lack of love. Like Jeffries, our hands are just as stained by hate when we react to him the way he reacts to "unattractive" people.

The Girl Who Never Thought She Could

I ran.

Not "I ran because someone was chasing me" ran.

Not "I ran because I was racing my friend" ran.

I mean, actually ran. 1.5 miles ran.

This may not seem very impressive to you, but for the girl who lived her whole life in fear of her asthma, this is a big accomplishment. 

I was the girl in high school who found any way to get out of running the mile because I was embarrassed.

I've heard it many times: "You shouldn't be embarrassed. You have asthma, it's okay."

But it wasn't okay. Not to me.

It was embarrassing.

For the longest time, I let my asthma control my life.

It's a scary thing, that asthma.

I have never been a couch potato, but I didn't do as much as I could have.

I was always scared that I'd stop breathing and I'd suffer through yet another asthma attack.

A lot of people who don't have asthma, don't understand why it's hard for me to "just do it".

Over the seven week break, I had nothing to do during the day usually, so I went to the gym.

It was only until the beginning of this week that I started waking up every day at 6 am to go running at the gym with my roommate.

At first, it was really embarrassing to run with her because she's been running for years and she can crank out four miles in an hour. 

I, however, could not.

She encouraged me, though.

She never makes me feel like I'm not doing well enough.

Today, I realized that after I ran, I was breathing just fine. 

No wheezing, no dizziness, nothing.

Just pain in my legs.

JUST PAIN IN MY LEGS!

This made me cry.

I was so happy that I have finally pushed through my asthma and ran.

I ran. A lot.

I still can't crank out 4 miles in an hour, but I also haven't been running since high school.

So, to my favorite gym teacher from middle school:

That girl who cheated on the mile run,

that girl who came crying to you because she was so embarrassed that she couldn't do it,

that girl who could not, no matter how much she wanted to, run that mile,

well, she doesn't feel like her lungs are on fire anymore.

She doesn't feel like she's going to pass out after ten minutes.

She can run that mile now.

I never imagined that I would ever be able to participate in a 5k, but tomorrow, I'm a participant in the BYU-Idaho Glow Run 5k. 

All I had to do was realize that I can't compare my chapter 1 to somebody else's chapter 21.

Fact is, I may not be able to run four miles consecutively, but my determination has never been stronger.

One day, soon or not, I will be able to run four miles without stopping.

I'm not using my asthma as an excuse anymore.

Milkshake Friday 2.0!

It's Friday! That can only mean ONE THING! You guessed it:

MILKSHAKE FRIDAY!

BUT before I get to that part of my day, I have to go in order of events that occurred today!

I woke up at 8:45 on the dot ( don't ask me how I remember that)! Between 8:45 and 9:15ish is all a blur, but around 9:15 I did some laundry, and headed up to the gym! It's been a while since I've been in the gym because I'm not *supposed* to participate in "strenuous activity" but I do anyway. 

I got up to the gym on the third floor of The Willows and I found that I had it all to myself! This was great because when I work out around other people, they become too concerned too quickly: my face gets tomato red after a short amount of exertion so people think I'm about to die or something...Nope, guys, I just have blood cells that are very near the surface of my skin. It's nice that people care, but it gets annoying after the first

"Oh my goodness, are you okay? Do you need some water? Are you going to pass out? Do you need to sit down for a while?"

I promise, if my answers are ever "No. Yes. Yes. Yes," (respectively), I'll take care of it. 

Yes, yes that is an episode of Full House up there on that TV screen. I enjoyed some Gilmore Girls, as well, as I used the elliptical. It was great entertainment and motivation to stay on the machine longer.

 After my wonderful workout I did some more laundry (boring stuff, I know) and got a head start on cleaning for Move-In day in two weeks. JUST TWO WEEKS! It feels like this 7 week break just began. It's bittersweet to see the end of it because I'm excited to see my roommates, my sister, my dad and friends from back home, but I'm terribly sad to say goodbye to some great people.

I spent about two hours at the Help Desk on campus because my computer was being dumb. Vaughn, the smarty pants who fixed my computer, was super funny and very helpful! He didn't really figure out the problem, but he gave me a new Anti-Virus and AdwCleanse to scan and clean out my computer. IT WORKED! Those guys in the Help Desk are such swell guys!

When all of my laundry was done, I decided to tackle the beast I call "my closet". Our closets are a bit...odd. There are two 'levels' and neither are tall enough to fit dresses or skirts, so I figured out how to fit mine so that I could navigate in my closet more easily. I folded up dresses and hung them like you would hang pants.

I also took out all my socks and tights and nylons, rolled them up,put a rubber band around them (to keep them organized) and fit them all in this perfect sized box that my mom sent to me full of shoes! I hadn't checked to see if the box would fit at the bottom of my closet but, alas, it did! It fits PERFECTLY! 

 I also, took the box that USED to house my socks, rolled up my t-shirts, tied them with a rubber band and put them in their new home. So tidy!

And of course, my shoes. They used to all be on a pile on the floor of my closet, but when you have a small closet, you realize how many shoes you actually have. Some of these babies may have to be donated or sold because 1) I don't wear some of them and 2) I don't really have the room.

Flats have their own shelf (which used to have other under clothing on it).

My heels, also, have their own shelf. Sorry for the poor quality picture. 

 And of course, my boots! Those are too tall to be on a shelf, and I ran out of shelf space, so they live on the floor.

I'm pretty happy with the re-organizing f my closet. I know that was long and boring, but it was supposed to give you college girls some ideas and tips of how to make the best of such a small space.

Onto greater things!

After I finished my closet, I headed on over to Cottonwood (the apartment complex in which the men in my ward live)! It's basically my second home. I have great friends that live in those apartments. Right as I was walking to Matt's apartment, he pulled into the parking lot, coming home from work. Sometimes I have great timing. Unfortunately, like last night, his roommates weren't there so we spent some time outside talking. We decided to use SuperCook to figure out we could make for dinner. We found A LOT of macaroni and cheese recipes, along with something called Fleischkuechle and Doggie Broth (which we found out, is actually dog food)...appetizing, huh? We didn't find much that we were interested in so Matt came up with something else. He has these ideas pop up in his head and doesn't tell me what they are until AFTER he makes them happen, and THAT is how we eventually ended up in Broulims. On our way through the Cottonwood courtyard, I just happened to glance in one of the open windows and guess who I saw?! VAUGHN! The Help Desk smarty pants! What a funny coincidence. After I did some introductions and chatted for a little while, Matt and I were on our way. 

We navigated through the store and wound up in the ice cream section. We do love some good ice cream. We picked up some French Silk ice cream and headed back to his apartment.

WE HAD MILKSHAKES FOR DINNER! 

Of course. Duh. What did I expect on Milkshake Friday?!

In the process of making said milkshakes...I broke his blender. Dang it. I knew technology hated me.
He assured me that it was okay, but I still feel bad about it. I mean, the man bought us ice cream and what do I do? I break his blender...

We also enjoyed more Doctor Who. Matt is addicted now, no big deal.

Well, that was MY Friday. I hope yours was just as fabulous! Tomorrow (or today for those of you in different time zones) is Saturday, and we all know Saturday is a special day, so make it EXTRAORDINARILY special. Go out and do a good deed for a stranger, or help your mom without being asked. No matter what you do, decide to forget yourself and make it a day about others! I promise it'll be a great day if you do that.

I'm off to bed!

Enjoy my song of the day while you're here.

This one is an old favorite from my childhood. I know my sister will be happy to see it on my blog, so this one is for you, Pink!

"This is My Idea" from the movie Swan Princess

"I see him smiling and my knees start buckling. I see inside him and my doubts are gone."

"Til now, I never knew, it was you I've been dreaming of."

 So romantic! Oh la la!

Honor Code

Today, Thursday, consisted of...a lot of craft time, and reading. I basically became a self induced shut-in. I decided to take the day and get crafty. Okay, so I actually had this craft idea in my head for a few days now, started it yesterday, but improved and finished it today.
I basically put together a little "Fake Book but Real Inspiration" book is what I'm calling it. I'm so original, I know. I pulled together some of my favorite scriptures and quotes and made it one of those Pinterest inspired "Read this when you're feeling (happy, sad, joyful, stressed, etc)..." booklets for someone who means a lot to me.
After that, I spent some more time reading Mountains Beyond Mountains, a book I am borrowing from a friend. A non-fiction biographical story of Dr. Paul Farmer, a man who loves the world and the people in it enough to set out to do all he can to cure it of disease. I'm only about half way done with it, but I've fallen in love with Dr. Farmer's ambition, determination, love, selflessness, and charity. I highly recommend you guys check it out.

Tonight, I went over to Matthew's apartment, and of course, knowing our luck, his roommates were nowhere to be found. So, Matt popped out the screen in the living room window, and slid the TV through to me, hooked it up to his laptop, pushed the love-seat outside and enjoyed the cool night air. (See, BYU-I kids, there IS a way to hang out without breaking Honor Code...It just involves moving the contents of the living room outside!)

The ghost-looking blur in the window is, indeed, Matt.

 We talked, and watched some Doctor Who. I haven't watched much Doctor Who in a while because I used to watch it with my Dad and sister and then we kind of stopped watching it together. They continued watching separately, and I never found the time to catch up. Matt and I are both kind of the type to critique (I guess) TV shows and movies. Honestly, if we weren't us, I wouldn't ever want to watch a movie with us. Wow, that got confusing. Bottom line, we talk and laugh a lot. Last night, we finished watching The Host (after probably 3 weeks of having started it, mind you) and we were laughing and critiquing it the whole time.

After we watched two episodes of Doctor Who, he showed me something...something interesting, something hilarious, something weird, something written during the Writers Guild of America Strike of 2007-2008. The strike sought increased monetary compensation for the writers in comparison to the profits of the larger studios. 12000 film, television, and radio writers joined the strike, so clearly, the idea for this was the only one out there at the time. We watched about 15 minutes of it (if that) and I had no idea what I had just witnessed. It was funny, yes, but so weird. It falls into the category of "Train Wreck-Esque." You just couldn't look away. Here's a little snippet of "Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog."

In case you were wondering, YES, that IS Neil Patrick Harris and Felicia Day (Eureka). Nathan Fillon (Castle) also stars in this movie. I'd tell you what it's about, but...I'm not really sure.

I'll probably have weird, weird dreams tonight that include a mix of Doctor Who and Dr. Horrible. 

Well, this was kind of an awkward blog post, but after the last one, I needed a light post. Overall, my day was pretty good and I hope yours was great! Sleep tight to all you night owls that haven't yet gone to bed, and good morning to those of you just waking up! Have a fantastic day!

Enjoy my song of the day while you're here! It's a popular one right now, but I love it! Thank you, Katy Perry, for this song!

"Roar!"